It is not an original idea to point out that at a time in history when we have never been more connected through technology and more contactable, we have also never felt more isolated and disconnected. How is this possible? How can it be that feelings of loneliness, anxiety, depression and general overwhelm feel more and more like the norm?
The reasons for this are many and varied, simple and complex. But one aspect worth teasing apart is the lack of real connection taking place in spaces that are safe and trustworthy. Maybe it is due to ideas of perfection that we have ingested and have normalised, shame brought on through comparison of ourselves to shiny people and shiny lives, or just a lack of practice.
Whatever the cause, it seems that our inside conversations (those taking place in our busy brains) far outweigh the ones we are able to have with another human, in real life.
Another unoriginal statement is that talking helps. There is a Chinese proverb that says:
“A joy shared is doubled and a sorrow shared is halved”
Usually we have much less difficulty sharing the good news, posting it on our social media platform and letting our family & friends hear about it. Good news is palatable. It shows us in a good light and tells people that we are doing ok.
Difficult news, bad news- the sorrow…is much harder to share with people. We don't want to let people down, we don't want to show the cracks, we don't want to disappoint or feel vulnerable. Handing over bad news is also a great act of faith- how can we be sure that it will be held carefully by the other person? Fear, shame and worry all become roadblocks to halving the sorrow we are carrying.
Talking to a counsellor helps for many reasons.
Firstly, it provides a place of anonymity where you are free to speak safely to someone who in addition to being skilled, is also blessedly unconnected to the rest of your life. You do not have to filter or censor yourself. It is ok to say anything and everything. Even with our closest friends and family, there is the knowledge that once something is said, it cannot be unsaid. And that can shut us down.
A counsellor not only holds the space for you to speak, they listen without judgement or agenda. You and your wellbeing are the only priority in the room.
Secondly, counsellors are trained in the art of listening and noticing. Not just to what you say but to how you say it. Not only is the talking invaluable (more on that in a moment), it provides opportunity for observations and reflections to be offered. I once likened it to visiting an art gallery with an art expert. I might have been looking at a picture I had stared at all my life, but I was not necessarily noticing everything in that picture. A counsellor can help you take a step back and consider things from a different perspective.
Lastly, speaking with a counsellor allows something very important to take place. ‘Verbal ventilation’. Quite literally this is giving air to your thoughts and feelings through talking. As you put more language to your feelings, what was sitting inside of you is brought outside. It is like opening the doors and windows on a house and allowing fresh air to blow through.
The very act of talking increases our awareness of the issue and all the feelings attached to it. It assists in helping us metabolise or digest our feelings so that we are able to extract what is nutritious and useful and let go of what is not.
Like any good conversation, therapy requires you to feel safe and connected to the counsellor you are talking with. You are the best judge of whether that is taking place. A strong connection with your chosen counsellor is a wonderful indicator of a good therapeutic outcome.
If there are issues that are taking up space in your head or in your heart and need to find a way out, speak with a counsellor. We are trained in connection.
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