In the five seconds it takes us to interact with another person and exchange the standard greeting of “Hi, how are you?” We also manage to build up a pretty impenetrable wall of “Fine thanks, You? Sometimes, depending on the amount of coffee drunk or how full the diary is, you may also add “tired” or “busy” to round out your reply.
While it is true most days our default setting is a combination of all three responses, the reality is that many of us are not ok or fine. Not at all.
Being vulnerable is hard. Wearing our sadness or grief openly is harder still. We don’t always want the world to see a less than perfect view of who we are and how we are (not) coping.
The cost of keeping our mask of perfection in place when we are out and about in the world is high. It’s exhausting, anxiety inducing, overwhelming…the list goes on. Even if we haven’t mastered the art of public honesty, we can at least accept that it might be better for our mental health to try it every now and then with the right people.
But what about in our private moments when we might let the mask drop? Why are we more likely to pick up our phone and doom scroll then allow ourselves to stop and actually engage with our feelings?
My guess is that there are a few fears at play. Perhaps we worry that if we start we won’t be able to stop, and the tide of sadness that we are keeping at bay may actually overcome us. Maybe we are so used to keeping our truest feelings hidden, that we have long since forgotten how to access them. Maybe it is that we have all heard the message about the value of positivity and gratitude, and can’t quite figure out where our sadness fits in. Or worst of all, we don't even understand why we feel sad when we look at our lives- things should be ok.
The unkindest part in all of this is that suppressing our feelings does not make them disappear. In the same way you can’t keep an inflated ball underwater indefinitely, these feelings will eventually burst forth- and most likely at a time not of your choosing.
Paradoxically, taking time to feel sadness can make us feel happier.
There are ways that we can feel sad safely, here a few...
Set a sadness alarm.
If you fear that your sadness will overtake you, try setting a timer or alarm for a feelings window. It sounds strange, but clearly setting a sadness time frame- with a beginning and an end gives us a sense of safety, knowing that we have a predetermined amount of time to engage with what is painful.
Create a grief drawer
If we have become so good at holding our feelings in and suppressing them, creating a loss box or grief drawer can be a way of accessing our feelings. Photos, letters, songs- anything that provides a link to your loss helps peel away the armour we keep in place. While you are holding the contents of your drawer or box, you can participate in whatever feelings they hold, knowing that when you pack your box or drawer away, you will be ready to re-engage with the world again.
Understanding what your sadness means
Feeling sadness, betrayal or grief does not make you ungrateful. Hard feelings are not a sign that you are a negative person with an absence of gratitude. Our most difficult emotions are often a key indicator of our most important values. Loss indicates that love is important to you. Betrayal speaks to your desire to feel safe and valued. Rather than feeling ashamed of what sits under your mask, recognise that these feelings tell a bigger story about who you are and what matters most to you.
Speaking with a counsellor.
Sometimes we don't even understand why we are sad. Things should feel ok, but they don't. Counsellors are skilled to work with you in identifying and understanding your feelings. Sessions have a start and an end point and can be as structured as you need them to be in order to feel safe.
Our emotions carry value and meaning, but sometimes they are too heavy to carry alone. Speaking with a counsellor can lighten the load and make sense of what you are going through.
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