If search engines indicate what is on our minds, this is being asked often and everywhere.
The brutal truth is that there is no quick fix because very rarely, if ever do our relationships break down overnight, they erode over time- a series of micro moments, choices and behaviours.
The good news is that change is possible using small practices that make big differences
Say thank you
The one thing experts agree on is this: the moment contempt enters a relationship, things break down. Saying thank you when your partner does something is a simple and effective way to let your partner feel acknowledged. This can be verbal, but can also be done through touch (a hug, a hand squeeze) and acts of service. Doing the jobs your partner hates (emptying the dishwasher, filling up the car) also speaks a thousand words. I see you, I value you, you matter to me.
When we are thanked we feel seen and acknowledged, it strengthens and grows the bond between us.
Consistent thankfulness does two wonderful things.
It trains our brains, we automatically begin to look for the moments to say thank you.
It creates an enormous deposit in the bank of goodwill. When things get tough, there is a significant deposit of kindness, understanding and value to draw from. It creates a great safety net.
Express interest in their interests
Disrespecting or dismissing what matters to our partners sends a loud message that they are not valued by you. When someone is ignored or mocked repeatedly they soon learn to shut down. In my family we have a saying “Don’t yuck on their yum”. You don't have to love their hobby or current passion, but it is not ok to pull it apart.
It is healthy to have both shared and separate interests. The key to good relational harmony is not complicated. Simply expressing delight in their delight sends a strong signal that they matter to you.
Ask, share, repeat
In the early stages of a relationship we want to know everything about our partner. Hearing about their day, and sharing our ideas and thoughts feels effortless.
Over time this tends to change. Without deliberate intention, our romantic partner can start to feel like a business partner or flatmate.
Make a habit of daily asking what the highlight of your partner's day has been. Then share your own. This signals interest and keeps the relationship multidimensional.
Do a weekly check in and identify and share what the challenges are for the week ahead will be for each of you. Ask how you can help your partner. Starting the week as a team is an amazing way of creating relational safety and happiness.
Every couple of months, take the time to have a big conversation and ask the big questions. “How do you think we are doing?”, “What isn't working?”. Entering this conversation with some prior thought encourages a positive conversation rather than defensiveness and conflict.
Counselling can help
If things are so stuck and making a start on these steps feels impossible or overwhelming, counselling can be a great place to start. Relationships are complicated, wonderful things and like anything important they require work. A counsellor can work with you, to not only repair what might be broken, but prevent damage in the first place.
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