One of the most common sources of partner conflict is the way in which two people raise a child together, or rather, disagree on how best to raise a child together. The very person we chose to have a family with is parenting in a way that we disagree with. What unites us all is a strong desire to get it right, and a real fear that we are getting it wrong.
Parenting conflict, or disagreement on how best to address issues with our children is common.
Typical areas of parenting conflict include:
Bedtime/sleep routines
Consequences/discipline
Food
Technology usage
Chores
Academic performance
How can counselling help?
A counsellor can be helpful in creating a ceasefire and support you and your partner to have an open conversation, rather than getting stuck in the same old arguments. Counsellors are trained to listen (without taking sides) and shed light on what each of you are doing, and also why you might be doing it.
Whether we realise it or not, much of our automatic parenting style is a result of our own childhood upbringing. Each of us grow up in our own unique family setting, where the attitudes, rules and behaviours are formed by our parents and the relationships with other key family members- a family system. It is a little like throwing a stone into a lake and watching the ripples form. Each ripple is a layer to your family system, and all parts impact one another.
We grow up without thinking too much about our family system. We do what we do without question. It is only when we see someone else take a different approach that we may question the ’why’ of doing it a particular way. And usually that is wondering why someone would do it differently to you!
What can we do when parenting conflicts arise?
Firstly we can stop and be curious about why something is important to you.
Is your belief an inherited one (your mum and dad did it this way, it's how you were raised) and the response is almost automatic OR have you arrived at that belief through careful thinking and active choice making?
It is challenging, but if we can extend that same curiosity to our partner, we can also understand the ‘why’ of their approach. Simply stopping and noticing is a great way of creating some space and acts as a crucial circuit breaker in conflict. Often once we understand that we are reacting rather than choosing, we are more able to accept other points of view. Counselling can bring to light the patterns and behaviours of our family systems, allowing you to make parenting choices that are your own, not just those you inherited.
Secondly, communication is key.
Digging in, shutting down or yelling rarely succeeds in changing someone's mind but it does have a tendency to inflame an already charged situation. If we consider that our beliefs are often an extension of our own family system and upbringing, it makes sense that people feel judged and are sensitive to criticism when they are disagreed with. Working with a counsellor to develop ‘I’ statements i.e. “I notice that I feel strongly about what time our daughter goes to bed, it feels really important to me that she gets X hours of sleep” is much more effective than big blanket statements like “You never help me get our daughter into bed on time, and she is always overtired!”
The first sentence invites curiosity and a discussion about why bedtime is important to you, while the second sentence lobs a blame bomb at your partner.
Lastly, remember that you and your partner are a team.
The more consistent you are in your decision making, the safer your child will feel. Children thrive in places of consistency where the expectations are clearly and calmly communicated. We are not so different. Imagine a workplace where you have two bosses, each asking different things of you. Juggling two sets of expectations with two sets of consequences is not only exhausting, it is confusing!
Counselling brings awareness which brings choice and change. Rather than parenting from a place of reactivity or on autopilot, you can decide together what works best within your family and the family system you are creating.
An important acknowledgement:
Many parents are doing their best within the context of separation, divorce or estrangement. The pain and added conflict of these situations is real. Parenting can be challenging enough within functioning relationships and harder still when there is ongoing or historical conflict. In these cases focussing on managing yourself is always best. Having one stable and clear thinking adult makes a world of difference to a child. Speaking to a counsellor can provide vital support and space to gain clarity on how you best want to raise your children.
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